Monday, December 10, 2007

13 things I hate (for no apparent reason)

1. Pickles. I've actually never even tried a pickle, so I have no reason to hate them. And no comments about how fabulous pickles are and "oh, Lindsey, just try one, you'll love 'em!" because I won't.

2. Stupid designs on jeans. Like rhinestones and embroidery and sparkles. It's obnoxious and there is no reason for it. Plus you'll always just end picking them all off anyway.

3. Sarah Jessica Parker. I hate her with the white-hot rage of 10,000 suns and I can't figure out why. It's infuriating. Maybe it's her chin mole? Or her horse face?

4. Bratz dolls. What the hell was wrong with good old Barbie? I mean, I know that even Barbie isn't that great, what with her pointy boobs and all, but since when is it cool that we let 4-year-olds play with little prostitute dolls? Their clothes and makeup and shitty attitudes. Last time I checked, having a kickass slutty wardrobe and being bitchy doesn't equal self-worth, which is what we should be trying to teach young girls. Also..? Where the hell are their noses?

5. PT Cruisers. I hate these cars.

6. Summer. The second summer starts coming around, I get all pissy because it's hot and sweaty and everyone is thinner than me in their damn bikinis and my allergies starting kicking my ass and frizzy hair and it's just a bad time for me. Worst season ever.

7. Turtlenecks. Just.... yeah. Just turtlenecks.

8. The Cafe Rio ordering process. Never in my life have I experience a more violent way of ordering food. They yell at you and you have to yell back it's like, what if I don't WANT the entire restaurant knowing that I want a grilled chicken burrito, hmm? But they don't care, and if you don't understand what they're asking they get really angry and yell louder and it makes my tummy hurt. By the time I'm done ordering, I don't even want to eat. I just want a nap.

9. 7th Heaven. The TV show. I've never seen it, but it just strikes me as a show I would hate.

10. Old ladies who wear obscene amounts of makeup. And fake eyelashes.

11. When people talk about themselves in the third person, holy shit, this is irritating. Please don't talk about yourself in the third person, I'll seriously poke your eyes out. I had an english teacher in high school who did this and by the end of the year, I was legitimately afraid to attend class on the off chance I'd have a nervous breakdown. Which is how I justified cutting class on such a regular basis.

12. Elastic waistbands.

13. The color orange. For no reason at all.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Ho, ho, holy shit, I'm stressed

The closer it gets to Christmas, the more I realize that I've done absolutely nothing to prepare for it this year. I've usually gotten all my Christmas shopping done in, oh, October. Don't get me wrong, this is NOT because I'm on the ball or super prepared or organized, no no no, it's because shopping in December is completely terrifying.
There are a few reasons I've dragged my ass this year, including:
1. I was busy. This is a lame excuse, but a true one. I got sidetracked and actually sort of forgot how close Christmas was getting.
2. Laziness. Pure laziness. I haven't even wanted to get on the internet to buy anything. Well, no, I take that back. Every time I get on the internet to buy anything, I get sidetracked. By WebMD, mostly. So it's not technically my fault.
3. I'm poor. I used to have quite an awesome savings, but thanks to college, I have $43 in my savings account. My checking account had spider webs last time I checked and this is ALSO not my fault. I  have no money to spend on gifts this year!
4. I don't know what to get anyone. So if you're on my Christmas list, please please please help me, or else I'll just kill every single one of you make my own educated guesses on what you want.
5. I don't want to fight the masses at any major department stores. I've heard too many "housewives-getting-trampled-at-the-walmart-trying-to-buy-a-goddamn-Tickle-Me-Elmo" stories to be ok with going anywhere near the mall this time of year.
Help...

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Maybe I was abducted by aliens..

So, for the first time in 2 months I have no plans tonight. None.
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "But Lindsey! What do you mean, 'no plans'? Tonight is 80'S NIGHT!" and you'd be right, it certainly is, but here's the thing: If I don't get sleep, I'm gonna die. Yes, die. Of sleep deprivation. Because since October, I've had plans every night of every week. Part time job, full time school, Erin, Ashley, my family, and dating. They've taken up every second of my life for a long, long time. And don't get me wrong, I love love LOVE my life and all the people and things in it, but back before August I had at least 4 nights a week to myself. To watch TV, read a book, take a shower (one that lasted longer than 10 minutes), and most importantly, sleep for an obscene number of hours a night. I'd even take frickin' naps, and now I don't even remember what a nap feels like.
I went so long without a social life, almost 3 years of sitting on my ass just watching it get bigger and then in August I was thrown from all that. I hurled myself out into the big unknown, stepped far beyond my comfort zone, did some things I'm not proud of and some other things that I wouldn't trade for the world. I've met so many awesome new people, and I've reconnected with a few amazing old friends, some of whom I haven't seen since elementary school! I've gone to parties, become comfortable with strangers (something I thought I'd never do), I speak my mind now, and I stand up for myself a lot more. I attribute all of this to going out into the world, even when I didn't want to, and putting myself out there. Opening myself up to new adventures and experiences. I'd like to think I'm a better person because of all of this. And to all of you who I've grown to count on and love through the past 4 months, thanks for adventures and the experiences and I KNOW we'll have so many more!
... but as for tonight?
Leave me alone, because I'm going to paint my toenails and watch reruns of The Office.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

From now on, I'm riding a bicycle

So, I took my car to the mechanic yesterday, because I was having a hard time starting it (the mechanic asked me what it was doing, so I made the noise like, 'reer-reer-reer-reer' and he laughed at me. Prick) and also there was this really gross, terrible burnt rubber smell coming from the inside of the hood and shit and so I told him that and he was all like 'whatever, I'll check it out and call you later.' So like, 2 hours later he called and was all 'this is Randy from blah blah blah auto place and  your starter and your alternator are both shot,' which meant nothing to me. He then goes on to say how he'd never seen a started so burned out or something and that's the smell I was smelling and that they usually just need to be repaired, but mine was so damaged I was going to need completely new ones (and ok, I'm paraphrasing. Half of what he said made no kind of sense) and this kind of pissed me off, because what, was he trying to make me feel guilty? Make me feel bad for not bringing it in sooner? How the hell was I supposed to know, I didn't go to mechanic college, don't tell me it's the worst you've ever seen, just FIX IT for hell sake. And then he said... gulp... that it would cost $500 to fix it. Which, I'm sorry, is totally absurd. It's almost Christmas and hello, I'm a full-time college student working part-time at the friggin' coffee shop. Do I look like I have $500 just hanging around in my pocket? Or in my gigantic indian purse? Hmm? No.
I feel like I just got ass-raped by every auto maintenance shop in the whole world. 
And it's not as pleasant as it sounds. 

Monday, December 3, 2007

13 things I love about the holidays

1. The smell. Don't think I'm weird, but winter smells good. Especially around Christmas when it all smells like cinnamon and cold. This sounds insane, but really, walk into any mall during December, inhale deeply, and then come talk to me.
2. Decorations. I'm not talking mad crazy decorations where some people have like, their entire houses coated in various layers of christmas lights, I'm just saying wreaths and christmas trees and a few other tasteful, mellow decorations. God, I sound like a freak. 
3. Receiving presents. Don't look at me like that, everyone likes getting presents. I'm just admitting it. No matter what kind of shitty gift is inside, just the adrenaline rush you get when you're ripping off wrapping paper, all the fabulous gift possibilities racing through your mind, it's awesome. Even when it turns out to be a pair of socks. For the third year in a row. Thanks, Grandma. 
4. Everyone is nicer during the holidays. Granted, it's usually fake niceness. But fake or not, it means extra tips in my tip jar, which is never a bad thing. 
5. Cheesy Christmas movies. Come one. A Christmas Carol? A Christmas Story? They are the best kind of cheesy. Oh, and while we're on the subject, I'd like to ask a question. Remember on that old fuzzy version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the one with the dweeby elf who wanted to be a dentist and how they fled to the Island of Misfit Toys? The one that was ruled by that weird king lion? Like, a few of the toys are obviously misfits, it makes sense. For example, the boat that won't float? No one wants a boat that won't float, that's understandable. As is the train with square wheels. You might say, "why not just round of the wheels?" but it's not always that simple, especially if your child doesn't have access to a belt sander. But here's where I have a problem- the water gun that only squirts jelly..? What idiot kid didn't think that was awesome? What a badass toy. Irritating. 
6. Snow. Snowballs, snowmen, snowfights, snowboarding, it's all awesome. I love the snow. Well, except driving in it, biggest pain in the ass ever. 
7. Being with family. It's corny, I know, and they always bug me about "Lindsey, when are you getting married? Why aren't you getting married? Are you dating anyone? Why aren't you dating anyone? You should be dating someone" but they're my family and they're entertaining as hell. 
8. Giving presents. There is nothing better than picking out the exact right gift for someone. Knowing it's exactly what they wanted and they're gonna love it. Does not happen often, at least not to me, but it's awesome when it does. 
9. Ugly Christmas sweaters, vests, brooches, earrings and the like. Especially the ones found on the elderly. They crack me up. 
10. Getting the 2 weeks off work and school. Who doesn't love that?
11. All the food. And not just the food, but the desserts. And not just the desserts, but the candy. And hot chocolate. My favorite thing to do in the winter is read a really good book all snuggled up in a cashmere sweater by the crackling fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. (Except I don't have a cashmere sweater, soooo... old sweat pants and a robe) (Also, I don't have a fireplace, but I do have a fireplace screensaver on my computers, so I'll snuggle up next to that) (Also, that mug of hot chocolate? There's a good chance it'll come out of a little Swiss Miss chocolate mix...)
12. Egg nog. You may wonder why this wasn't lumped in with number 11. It's because egg nog and all of its amazing deliciousness deserves its own number. And because this is my blog and I do whatever the hell I want. 
13. Santa Clause. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has Santa all figured out. He's a sugar daddy pedophile white trash slob. And I absolutely love that this Christmas idol has been kicked off his pedestal. Figuratively... and by me. Don't believe me? A- he's a gigantic fatass. You know under that cheap polyester red suit he's in a pit-stained wife beater. No doubt. B- his gross shaggy beard. No sense of personal hygiene. C- That rosy red nose of his? It's called alcohol induced red nose. Santa's an alkie. D- he gives shit away for being 'good.' Typical pimp behavior. And E- He encourages kids to sit on his lap. Dirty creep.